The Parenting Pyramid: An Epiphany
To begin with, let’s
reflect on some challenging situations with kids. We’ve all had them. A
screaming child in a shopping cart, a child whose room looks like the
aftershock of the apocalypse, a child whose good friend likes to use poor language.
These are all things we might come up against or something similar. I’ll take
the apocalyptic room…because it’s real in our home. My kids (bless their
hearts) can’t seem to keep their rooms clean. My first inclination and habit in
the past is to basically walk by, fling the door open, declare what a mess it
is, and demand it get cleaned right now. This has worked in some cases, but it
doesn’t produce warm fuzzies and the results are short-lived. The parenting
pyramid suggests that I first reflect on two important questions before
deciding how to proceed. Those questions are: “what should I do now that
something has gone wrong?” and “how do I help things go right?” (The
Parenting Pyramid, The Arbinger Company, 1998, pg. 2-3). The article
reminds us that the second question, learning how to make things go right,
should be our first, or primary, response. This puts me in a better frame of
mind to focus on the positive and long-lasting solutions while preserving the
relationship. As I approach this important question, four additional follow-up
questions are helpful before correction is implemented. According to the article,
“The Parenting Pyramid” (The Parenting Pyramid, The Arbinger Company,
1998), those four questions are:
·
Am I correcting my children without teaching
them?
·
What is the quality of my relationship with my
children?
·
What is the quality of my relationship with my
spouse?
·
How pure is my “way of being”? (What kind of person
am I?)
These four
questions can assist in prioritizing the way in which we correct our children. It’s
also important to note that each question is integrated and builds upon each
other, from the bottom up, beginning with our way of being. The following image
helps us visualize:
So,
now that we understand that our primary focus is to help things go right, and
that we have four guiding questions, how do we implement this method? Back to
the messy bedroom…
·
Am I correcting my children without teaching
them? Have I taught my child how to clean a room and explained
why it’s important? Have I outlined my expectations so that they know what they
are trying to achieve?
·
What is the quality of my relationship with my
children? Does my child like me right now? Have I
worked to establish a loving and trusting relationship that will help them want
to listen to me when I ask them to clean their rooms? Does my tone encourage listening or encourage a shut-down? Have I spent any quality time with my
child lately?
·
What is the quality of my relationship with my
spouse? Is my relationship with my spouse affecting the
way I respond to my children? Are we on the same page when it comes to asking
our kids to clean their rooms? Do we have any discord that we are taking our on
the kids and sucking them into? Is this really about a messy room or am I upset
about something else that happened with my spouse?
·
How pure is my “way of being”? (What kind of person
am I?) Am I setting my own personal example of being
clean? What does my room look like? Am I being hypocritical in what I’m asking?
Am I talking to my kids and treating them as objects? Or am I seeing them as
agents who have the ability to choose?
Could you see how approaching
a parenting situation from this method could largely influence things to go
right? It made me reflect on the ways in which I respond to my kids. Upon
learning this method, I realized that instead of working my way down the
pyramid and first asking myself if I had taught them, I needed to start at the
bottom and take a quick self-evaluation before any correction happened. For me,
personally, starting at the bottom and working up made more sense. However, it
is suggested by the article that if we start at the stop and if correction is not
working, then we work down to the next step and evaluate if we need to go
further down the pyramid. The article stated, “An important hint about
parenthood follows from this discussion. It is this: The solution to a problem
in one part one of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid” (The
Parenting Pyramid, The Arbinger Company, 1998, pg. 7). It’s as simple as
that. And by simple, I mean you’re going to have to try really hard and
practice a lot. I myself have reflected and find that this will take a lot of
dedication.
Another important
factor to consider is the subject of immediate correction due to urgent
circumstances. You know what they say: desperate times call for desperate measures.
And sometimes this is the case with correction. If a child is caught drinking
and driving, for example, the correction becomes immediate and necessary before
we even have time to think about the other layers of the pyramid. When this
occurs, the article states this:
“Whenever
drastic correction is called for with a child, we should begin working on the three
deepest levels of the pyramid immediately and simultaneously”. (The
Parenting Pyramid, The Arbinger Company, 1998, pg. 8).
In a nutshell,
this is saying that just because the top layer is shaky, doesn’t mean the rest
of the pyramid has to follow suit, which stressful situations as these could increase the likelihood of. It’s easy in these
situations to adopt tunnel vision, focusing only on the behavior that needed correction
and the fallout it caused, putting the other three areas of the pyramid at risk.
It may be, in terms of a child who has been drinking and driving, that we forgo
further correction for a time while we teach correct principles, focus on
building a relationship with them, make sure our spouse knows that we’re in
this together, and making sure that our self-care and way of being is pure. We
always secure the bottom to secure the top. While correction is important, its
priority is last.
To summarize, the
Parenting Pyramid offers a valuable foundation for the ways in which we respond
to our children. With intentional practice, we can be certain to master this
pyramid over time, which in turn will benefit us as we improve our way of
being, improve our marriages, strengthen our relationships with our children, and
focus on teaching correct principles. Then, we can be confident in knowing that
when correction does happen, the results will be more effective while preserving these precious relationships.
Citation and Sources:
1. The Parenting Pyramid, The Arbinger Company, 1998. Access article by following the link:
1. The Parenting Pyramid, The Arbinger Company, 1998. Access article by following the link:
2. Image attribution of Parenting Pyramid: https://byui.instructure.com/courses/63868/quizzes/888153?module_item_id=6037764
3. Image Attribution of Gandhi: https://www.flickr.com/photos/loasecret/8263015033/
3. Image Attribution of Gandhi: https://www.flickr.com/photos/loasecret/8263015033/
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