Praise: A New Perspective

To me, the way I’ve been able to identify my biggest takeaways from my parenting class has been to look at what parenting behaviors I’ve changed in myself since the semester began. To me, this is an indication that I learned something, saw a need for change in my parenting, implemented the change, noted the progress, and tried to continue to improve on the method. One of those changes that I took note of was the way in which I praise my children. We were asked to read an article entitled, “Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?” (Joanna Pocock February 22, 2017). It was an eye-opener for me and a little sting to my pride as a parent. The sting usually means a change is necessary.

I consider myself to be a pretty good mom who cares desperately about the well-being of her children. But, on occasion, and more frequently as of recent, my husband pointed out that I coddle the children and seem to go to extra lengths to spare them any disappointment or discomfort. Who?! Me?! (as I look around in disbelief). Yes, ME. While the comment was a little stinging, it was true. And in terms of praise, I knew I could change. Upon reading the article, I realized that I was guilty of plastering my children with praise, even when significant effort was not expended. This was my way of ensuring that they knew momma loved them and that they were great kids. But a quick reflection made me realize that this was just a way to pacify their egos and buffer myself against any “mommy guilt” I might feel over their failures or lack of effort. I realized I was saying “great job” a thousand times a day. Great job for what? Breathing. Waking up. Brushing teeth. You get the picture. And while I’m certainly exaggerating a little, my room for improvement was enormous. I wasn’t doing myself or my children any favors.

        Most of this is done innocently. I wasn't intentionally sabotaging my kids. But the effects of continued praise where it wasn't needed or earned could prove harmful in the long-run. An article entitled "Are We Overpraising our Children?" by Dr. Lisa Firestone stated:

"The problem with many parents hoping to boost their child’s self-esteem isn’t that they’re praising; it’s that they’re overpraising. Too often in today’s competitive world, we focus on children’s “greatness” defining who they are and making exaggerated statements that fail to reflect their true abilities. According to lead researcher of the Stanford Study Prof. Carol S. Zweck, statements like, "'You're great, you're amazing' [are] not helpful, because later on, when [children] don't get it right or don't do it perfectly, they'll think they aren't so great or amazing." Self-esteem isn’t about telling kids that everything they do is terrific. A real sense of self-worth is based on the skills they build for themselves and the true accomplishments they feel they’ve made." ("Are We Overpraising Our Children", Dr. Lisa Firestone, December 10, 2003, www.psychologytoday.com)  

The new mindset came when I realized that I needed to change the emphasis of my praise to focusing on the effort, rather than the outcome. The reason for this is that studies have shown that merely focusing on the outcome limits a child’s ability to associate hard effort with desired outcome. It also makes it difficult for them to decipher whether you value them because of the efforts they made or the end product they produced. This meant I need to change from praising my children to giving them meaningful feedback. The article stated:

“Studies show that feedback is a necessary component in the building of a child’s sense of self-worth. But, interestingly, students do not seem to need praise in order to thrive. Feedback is distinct from praise in that it engages with a child’s efforts rather than simply passing a value judgment on them.” (“Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?”, Joanna Pocock, February 22, 2017, https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ )

Furthermore, it cautioned that children who were praised in excess ran the risk of becoming what we know as “approval addicts”. It stated:

“Approval itself can become the “extrinsic reward,” the end goal. A child who is praised often will begin to crave the satisfaction he or she gets from pleasing their parent, teacher, or caregiver. Instead of doing something for the pure joy of it, the child will begin to do it simply for the praise. This is not a healthy cycle, and it can turn children into approval addicts. Their worth comes from the recognition they get rather than an inner sense of achievement or fulfilment.”  (“Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?”, Joanna Pocock, February 22, 2017, https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ )

I connected with this thought and felt panic about the monsters I was creating. I loved telling my kids “good job”, “well-done”, and “that’s great”. But I realized that these phrases were meaningless and hollow, with the immediate effects likely to dissipate like ripples in a puddle; strong at first, then slowly fading into nothing. I was creating children that desired success for the benefit of praise instead of children who desired a meaningful process for the joy and satisfaction of working hard and learning. How could I change this?

I began with my teenage daughter, Kate. She had a huge math test coming and she’s known for putting a lot of pressure on herself. While my husband and I tell our kids to simply do their best, she still inflicts a lot of self-pressure and strives for excellence and perfection. The hours she studied were long. I found her spread out, face down on the family room rug at 9:30pm, exhausted, while she listened to a YouTube explanation on graphing parabolas (what is that anyway? Another confirmation that I rejoice in the end of my high school math days).  She was near tears and I asked her if there was anything I could do to help. She said she had been studying for hours and that she was mentally spent. But this was the last thing she needed to prepare for, and she was almost there. I gave some encouragement and told her that I was confident her efforts would pay off, though I wasn’t entirely certain of the outcome. Her efforts could possibly produce a poor score. Even then, I was impressed by the dedication I saw and I told her so. I told her that despite the outcome, I was pleased with her studying efforts and that she took schooling so seriously. I told her that it showed great responsibility. She perked up. I focused on the efforts and gave meaningful feedback. It wasn’t about the end-product, it was about the effort. The next afternoon, I received a text: “I got a 101% on my math test, Mom!”. Success. And here was my chance to give feedback on the effort, not the outcome. I told her that I was impressed with all the hard work she had expended in preparing. I asked her if she felt good about all the preparation she had done. She said yes. I told her that I was pleased with the outcome that her hard efforts had produced. This short exchange changed the way I have responded every day since. And guess what? Her efforts increased in other areas. She worked hard to memorize a recitation for English and didn’t get as frustrated when she stumbled. Was it because she knew I appreciated the effort and not the outcome? Maybe. I try to claim my victories where I can. But either way, I felt this shift in praise was positive.

Another opportunity came with my son. He loves soccer. And he hates losing. He takes it in stride but always has an excuse as to why the loss wasn’t his fault. I have let this go because what mom wants to say, “Sorry you lost. You probably could have tried harder”. While this wasn’t a phrase I was going to start, I was more open now to helping him see how efforts could help improve outcome instead of coddling the loss. When we attended his next game, they lost. I acknowledged that he couldn’t win every time. He shrugged and rattled off some reasons as to why they should have won. I asked, “Do you know how often the other team practices?” He responded, “They practice every day. I have friends on that team, and they say it’s the hardest they’ve ever worked”. I asked him if he thought that their efforts made a difference in the outcome. He said yes. Then I asked him if he had tried his hardest that day. He said no. I then asked if he thought his best efforts would help his team more next time. He said probably. Fast forward a week to the next game. My son gave it everything he had. He played his very best. And they still lost. But after the game, we were quick to give specific feedback on his wonderful efforts. We celebrated the effort, not the failure. What could have been a very discouraging discussion turned into a very positive one. He went from feeling a little sad about losing to saying it was just fine because he had tried his best. He said he loved soccer and played the game because he loved it, not because he needed to win. The article emphasizes this pattern by saying:

“How do we foster in our children a desire to learn, rather than a desire to please us? One simple way is to praise the effort over the outcome. Not only does this encourage them to keep doing whatever it is, it takes the focus away from “good” and “bad,” placing it on the idea that working toward something can be its own reward. In other words, instead of thinking about praising our children, we should be concentrating on encouraging them. Some psychologists are keen to emphasize that we need to provide specific feedback rather than overall generalizations. We should also work toward creating an atmosphere where children feel safe making mistakes. Failure is part of the process of learning and is something we often overlook”. (“Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?”, Joanna Pocock, February 22, 2017, https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/).

The failure was part of the learning process. My son was still able to gain satisfaction in the things that he learned and the love of the game. 

In class, a graphic was given to help us understand different kinds of praise and the benefits of each.  We were asked to come up with examples of each. While I won't go into great detail on each here, it's worth noting the types and trying to practice descriptive and appreciative, while trying to limit or avoid evaluative praise. 

(image attribution: https://byui.instructure.com/groups/198374/discussion_topics/1109722?module_item_id=6037990

Since studying the graphic and article, I have made intentional efforts to change the way and frequency of how I praise my children. This has been difficult on many occasions. This has meant withholding some praise where it was not rightfully earned. This has meant praising another’s efforts who deserved it more. It has meant carefully crafting the ways in which I speak of the efforts and accomplishments of my kids. But you know what? It works. I have seen it with my own eyes and the benefits have far outweighed the sacrifices. I hope this small change makes a difference in their lives. I hope it makes them more willing to enjoy the process of achieving something rather than just enjoying a desired outcome. I’m glad for the paradigm shift I was able to experience and for the courage to try something new…I think it deserves a little praise. 😊

Citations and Sources:

1. "Are We Overpraising Our Children", Dr. Lisa Firestone, December 10, 2003, www.psychologytoday.com, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201312/are-we-overpraising-our-children
2. “Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise?”, Joanna Pocock, February 22, 2017, https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ 

3. Praise graphic attribution: https://byui.instructure.com/groups/198374/discussion_topics/1109722?module_item_id=6037990